Right now I want to take a nap and start this vacation over. I've spent too much time at the computer, doing nothing but pacifying myself. For some goddamned reason I can't find any drive to do anything here. There is just some oppressive force here. It's hard to pinpoint where it's coming from.

My parents definatly have a part to play: no matter what I do for them it never seems like I've made any headway, that I've never progressed. They seem content to maintain this placcid, stagnant existance. My relationship with my parents hasn't changed since I was twelve. All the fights and drama and growth and connections that have occured over the years just seem to fade away into nothingness within a few weeks. All my accomplishments are met with the same apathetic congradulations, and every time I don't do the dishes I'm met with the same dissapoint as if I'd have dropped out of college, got a girl pregnant, or was arrested for doing heroine. It gives me some comfort that my brother feels the same way. Both of us want to escape this purgatory my family keeps itself in. You'd think that would bring us together, but instead we just remind each other too much of bad times.

I also think this isolation is part of this mysterious oppression I feel. Without transportation, the few times I get out of the house are usually with my friends Vic and Jess. My parents only ever take me to see my grandparents, where the four of them play cards and gossip/slander while my brother escapes to the TV where he's always in a bitchy mood, and I'm left to sit there without even the comfort of the internet. This computer is my one link to the outside world, the one thing that provides me any for of fulfilling social interaction, and more often than not I'm just sitting around it wasting time until someone comes on to talk to. It's almost never the people I want to talk to.

Maybe it's just the past in these walls that make me hate being here. There are so many bad memories here, they seem to coat the walls like a sick tar. This house is not a good house. This house, just like this town, lures people in with the promise of a better life, the promise of success, but in the end it leaves those who live here empty and unfulfilled. As I type this I can almost see regret  and despair oozing down the wall. I'll later read this and be dissapointed in how melodramatic I sound, but as I type this I can see it. I can feel it. It ways heavily on my chest and has its grimy tendrils wrapped all around me.

Tommorrow I get some time to flee: first to the gym with Vic and then after that I'll be rescued by my improv friends. I'll be back here not long afterwards, though. Then in the summer this house will take me once again, consuming me and four precious months of my youth. I need to get out of here. I need to get my own place.

I finally know what I want to do in life, but it'll be so much work. So much, and right now all I want is to feel the comfort of a girl. I'm not even sure if its a wanting for a specific person or a wanting in general. I did start talking to a girl I had a crush on years ago, and it seems things would have gone well, yet she lives far enough a way to be inconvenient and we both said we don't want a long distance relationship. My biggest fear is that I'll get desperate again and I'll end up with another Julie.

Yesterday I finished classes, although I didn't go to any of them. Seems like that's been thte story of this semester. It's a bad habit I have a bad feeling I won't shake next semester. Of all the things I feel I should take seriously academics is the foremost, and of all the things I take seriously academics is the leastmost.

So many things have happened this semester, and so much has changed, yet it seems like very little progress has been made. There is definatly a lesson I learned, or at least things I was supposed to unlearn. Two steps forward and one step back, and all that shit. I crossed that line I promised myself I'd never crossed, but it wasn't as shallow as I thought, but it's no place to dwell for too long.

Tuesday brought with something I had desired more than anything else: closure. I had braced myself to be hurt, but I wasn't surprisingly. It was odd, walking away from it all I felt free. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It seemed like I had before me an infinite series of possibilities, and the fact that I met new people later that day proved it. Tonight even brought further proof of my freedom. It feels good.

I am still so young and have so much to learn. It doesn't quite make me happy, but it does seem to give me purpose.

Revelation after revelation. It's funny as all hell. The past few weeks have had their disappointments and their stressors, but I feel like I'm defiantly calming back down. I've been intense and passionate for the past few months, but I feel like its just time to relax. Try for things that are more fulfilling, substantial, and worthwhile. When it happens it'll happen I suppose. Just enjoy what I have while its here I suppose.

Seems like half of the people I know have some sort of relationship drama. Either someone wants someone they can't have, have someone after them they don't want, or keep clinging on to sinking/unhealthy relationships. At least you, Vic, have something stable (although congrats to Jamie! Knew it'd happen sometime). I seem to have a little smattering of the first two, although I'm avoiding the third like the plague. After the whole Julie mess I want to do things right. As for the first part, yeah, I can't think of anytime when I was single that lasted more than a month that I haven't had a liking for someone. All natural I suppose. As for people liking me whom I have no interest in...no comment. But almost all my friends though...shit, defiantly makes it so I have no desire to bitch and moan anymore.

Hmm....what else has been on my mind? I haven't spoken my mind in a while. At least not the full context of my mind. So yeah, I want to be an actor now among other things. That's solidifying more and more, and it's intimidating as all fuck. Well, everything is intimidating as all fuck, but you have to grow up sometimes. I have a lot of grounds to catch up on. So much. Hey, there are a lot of successful actors who started the game far later than I, so who knows. I'm looking to try out for the Wolf in Into the Woods. Here would be my big song if I got it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivVTPr8k9ok&feature=related

Lol, that would be amazing. That codpiece is something fierce.

I was talking to my friend Emily about how she likes my friend Mike (yep, everyone is having relationship issues. Makes everyone seem like whiny bitches). She's defiantly into him and expresses as much, and I've talked to Mike and he says he likes her a bit too, but there's something missing he says. After a while of talking about it with him we came to the conclusion that he's not making a move cause its not a challenge. He knows Em wants him and, truth be told, where's the fun in that? I normally like being direct, but he mentioned how he likes the mystery, it adds to the fun, and now that I think of it I have to agree. I think that's what I've been missing: a challenge. Seems like most girls I have any interest in either come on too strong or are with someone else. Almost no one is that exciting challenge I'm looking for. Red herrings are abound, though.

This just made me smile:

Update: Shit, bitches, and fuck aren't in the dictionary for Xanga. I have to get around to changing that.